Thursday, August 24, 2017

Almost too hard to face and write

   My situation feels more life threatening than ever, lately. Puzzle pieces are starting to click together around my experiences with the Bedford FBI and Senator Shaheen and I am deeply concerned. I Hope for a positive, honest resolution to this whole situation which has been ongoing, in the confusing covert messaging as well as direct experiences. I hate to have to write this, but am more concerned about what could happen if I don't than I am about what could happen if I do. There is too much to this situation, but this is the core of the most recent round. I'm sure that many could get upset over my writing this, but I hope the genuine good will understand and the bad will be prevented from inflicting further harm. I hope there are good people who will honestly explain this to me.
   On August 14, 2017, around 9am, I was lured to the Bedford FBI office under the guise of them being ready to help us - to stand up and be here for me. When I got there they set up a scenario that aimed to make me rush through a security door, in order to get help. Then, after that didn't work two agents set up a scenario that was VERY obviously trying to provoke me into anger. It appears that both of these setups were them trying to find reason to arrest me - possibly to confiscate me and what is left of my writings. I did feel angry and almost burst into tears, but nothing that warranted legitimate concern. This was not the first time this sort of thing - the luring me in for help in order to slam a door in my face, has happened, but it was the worst and most obvious. I do not believe it would have been a good thing, if I had let them instigate cause to arrest me, because I had a dream, long ago, which showed that a woman in the FBI was doing things to try to trigger me and that I would only be OK if I did not get angry. I trust that the dream was a forewarning of a danger and I am now certain this is what it was about. I walked away from it but what's next? Am I in danger from the "help" ???!!!
   After this, and while I was also being terrorized with the disabling of my car and off and on technological tortures, I experienced another round of covert messaging that appeared to be from Senator Shaheen, which has also been an ongoing thing. Messages were basically that help would be here for me right away if I call. So I called and no help came. And then messaging said that help would be here for me if I finally send a copy of the investigation permission paper I signed three years ago. I sent it and no help or Overt response. But there have been some more VERY dark set ups that I have had to work at avoiding. I am not sure of what her intentions are - if she really wants to help me or if she is using me while I continue being tortured and threatened and harassed. I guess time will tell.
   With the covert stuff I can not be sure of who is doing what most of the time. But I feel that they are all watching and are all genuinely involved in this situation and have been using the puppets. I even wonder if they are working together and if this latest scenario was all a set up to "wipe the slate clean" and start over as has been suggested. But no matter what their intentions are or aren't at this point, I have felt uncomfortable with it all from the start. I have been waiting for good solid/Overt explanations and reassurances...etc., but have been getting the opposite and this is deeply disturbing.
   By around the end of 2011 I had turned to a lot of places for help with, and protection from, the targeting for myself as well as my loved ones, and instead of getting help, ended up surrounded by more hell than any human being should have to tolerate. In this hell there have been repeated attempts to abduct me and force me to follow and obey the covert program and they have often tortured me for not wanting to or for begging for the covert wars to stop and for people to stand up...etc.,It appears that some agents in the FBI had decided to use me as bait instead of helping us. Part of this could have been a misunderstanding of the my offer to help them, in exchange for safety, in 2012. But what has happened is the opposite of what I had in mind. As I was surrounded by covert chaos I have repeatedly begged them to stop and stand up for us and that I would forgive the mistake, but it hasn't stopped, not even after I said "I can't do this..." when an FBI agent in the Bedford office said, "we were hoping you'd help us get plate numbers," in the spring of 2014. I had already been through too much by then and was hit hard with chemicals...etc., just before going in to seek help and protection from them. Their using me obviously continued. I do not know how I have survived it this long. Now, it appears that, because I am not happy with the whole situation, and will not alter my writings, they want to have be eliminated, somehow. I have, however, promised them that I would  excuse genuine good people with good intentions that were not targeting people and had a good ending - with them explaining things to me and being here for us. But the hell continues and I no longer see any light shining at the end of that tunnel. I am really scared. Through all these years, at least five, of being used by the FBI, and possibly others as well, there have been repeated promises for them to be here for me, next week or in two months or in two years, which was over three years ago. . .and often under threats to be OK with it continuing or else, types of attitude, has felt horrible to me, especially since, through all this, people whom I love have been been being hurt, abducted or brainwashed instead of being helped/protected as well. For a long time now it has felt like I have all sides working against me and this has been terrifying. Out of fear of help never arriving for us, and my situation continuing to deteriorate, I keep promising to not  blame them if they were doing good and stand up and explain things to me as to why its had to be this way. . .but they have done the opposite.
   Abduction still appears to be their aim for me, but there is also a recent vamp up in set ups to make me look mentally ill and have me arrested or put away, aside from what has happened in the Bedford FBI office. I have been at the end of my rope for a while now and just can not handle any more and have been saying this often through the past five years, but nobody seems to care. I feel really scared, especially with the scenario of set ups being performed by officials whom I have been waiting to stand up for us with evidence of the targeting, which includes staged deaths of enslaved victims.
   I have had other direct experiences with the Bedford FBI office and one "duty agent" in the Boston office, which were disturbing around 2012. Perhaps it did not help that I later walked into the Bedford FBI office and scolded them - I had sternly said, "You people have a responsibility to the citizens of this country..." This was in 2012 or 2013. Is it possible that some of them have sought revenge due to this? I would hope not!
   But then I had a couple of conversations with an FBI agent who seemed kind and appeared to understand and want to help, so I have hung in here waiting, (although he "left the office" shortly after I talked to him) and trying to understand and tolerate the hell I've been surrounded by since then. Through it all I have hoped that things are getting better for officials so that we can get the help we need, but as I wait, it appears that evidence and witnesses have been being destroyed. And I now wonder if this is what the wait has been for - to beat on me until I can not take anymore, then have me either put away or disappear from my life in the abduction/enslavement program. I hope this is not the case, but it appears so.
   I am deeply concerned for the safety of many people as well as myself and my children, through this whole situation. Though it appears impossible, I still hope for a positive outcome to it all, one that does not include a follow through on the set ups and threats, but involves honesty and validation and kindness and resolution of a situation that has felt too horrible under already nearly impossible conditions. I just wanted help for us all. But was anyone genuinely helped?

My pain wrote this poem a few days ago

From experimentation to torture
And either enslavement or bait.
I hope genuine help for us
Does not remain too late.

www.targetedinamerica.com

P.S. I'd shared, three years ago, that I was concerned about a dream I had about my words being changed in a recording. For some reason this concern came up around the FBI Shaheen thing three years ago. But could it be happening now?

P.S.S. FBI Agents, I am deeply sorry to have to write this. I wish this had gone the other way. I hope my standing up will also help those of you who would not condone the ways that I have been being treated and those of you who would probably find it difficult working under or with those who do.  I hope things get better you, for all our sakes. If things were and are better than they seem, its up to you to explain. I can only go by my experiences. And none of this has ever felt good or right to me.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Graveyard Bar

This is a work in progress. Check back later as well. It will end up shorter, but this is what came to me as I sat a graveyard trying to ignore a world that surrounded me in nature.

I went to the bar for just one more drink
I could have sat there but needed time to think.
So I am now at the grave yard talking to a stone.
Although it cannot hear me, I am not alone.
On my long way here, inside a crooked turn,
I thought I saw a Dove - something I can learn.
There's geraniums for Kelly - the only flowers brought
Among hundreds of stones scattered in this lot.

Chorus; I took my bar-room to the graveyard where I sit alone
Talking to the shadows beneath a strangers stone.
I took my bar-room to the graveyard and its amazing what I saw.
Who said "All the world's a stage?" It is  really true.
But it still can not fool the Heart of me and you.

 There's a white butterfly slowly flitting by
While venting anguish over my heart's need to cry.
I want to feel the peace here, but am wound up tight.
Puffing another cigarette and waiting for the Light.
Just one more stoke and yet another sip.
To stop the quiver I feel inside my tightest lip. 
 Dainty blue flowers wave in the un-mowed green
Around old tombs in this sunny scene.
Trees are still living and standing tall and strong.
Like I wish I were outside this bar-room song.

Chorus; I took my bar-room to the graveyard where I sit alone
Talking to the shadows beneath a strangers stone.
I took my bar-room to the graveyard and its amazing what I saw.
Who said "All the world's a stage?" It is  really true.
But it still can not fool the Heart of me and you.

Oh God, I dare not notice, but there it is again -
Jesus on a cross! They're still killing Him,
As raven issues a warning from a dieing tree.
God shine a Light for Jesus and shine one for me.
"The world is a mess and I am a mess," I dare moan.
How can things get better if we accept the bones.
 There's a tiny broken stone with an empty face.
No name or date or stamp to mark its little place.

Chorus; I took my bar-room to the graveyard where I sit alone
Talking to the shadows beneath a strangers stone.
I took my bar-room to the graveyard and its amazing what I saw.
Who said "All the world's a stage?" It is  really true.
But it still can not fool the Heart of me and you.

There's an America flag trying to wave in tall grass.
I've too many questions that I can not ask.
Oh fly high for us your stripes and stars.
Sooth away our pain and embrace the scars.
I truly do Love you. Oh, why can't you see.
I just want us saved - them and you and me.
Can't you feel it beneath stories untold -
The pain and confusion honesty can unfold.

Chorus; I took my bar-room to the graveyard where I sit alone
Talking to the shadows beneath a strangers stone.
I took my bar-room to the graveyard and its amazing what I saw.
Who said "All the world's a stage?" It is  really true.
But it still can not fool the Heart of me and you.

Hawk circles and calls above the tallest tree.
Then a little bluejay comes to screech at me.
Why must they bicker? Dear Bluejay stand for us
With the Hawks and Doves, and stop all the fuss.
To my left is a ledge inside the tallest mound
Where turkeys the moss that shrubs surround.
Then slowly meander toward a hunting Hawk
Who flies into think trees and begins to talk.
Dear Hawk, stop the hunt and adopt the Dove.
Our world can't be fighting after it turns to Love.
Shine a Light for him, God - shine it clear and strong.
The difficulties they face have been too hard and long.

Chorus; I took my bar-room to the graveyard where I sit alone
Talking to the shadows beneath a strangers stone.
I took my bar-room to the graveyard and its amazing what I saw.
Who said "All the world's a stage?" It is  really true.
But it still can not fool the Heart of me and you.

If that car is stalking me to tell me to leave
Well, "I'm just visiting Kelly. Please let me sit and grieve."
But it just slammed and door and stared as it drove away
Leaving me with the choice that I had made to stay.
But this verse was broken by it and microwaves.
So the rest remains unspoken around the empty graves.
Am I really this "crazy?" Am I? Am I totally nuts?
Or am I just someone who dares to see too much?

Chorus; I took my bar-room to the graveyard where I sit alone
Talking to the shadows beneath a strangers stone.
I took my bar-room to the graveyard and its amazing what I saw.
Who said "All the world's a stage?" It is  really true.
But it still can not fool the Heart of me and you.

P.S. This is my first bar-room song. :-) I had bought a drink at McDonalds - what I call my "bar," because its a place I now go there only in times of trauma and grief, like the way an alcoholic would head for a bar.






Saturday, January 28, 2017

Its more positive to be real

 Its more positive to be real, especially in a world where "positive" pushes the void of feeling and Heart and is part of the darkness that too many are being influenced and suppressed by by.